He looked over at her, her across the table. He looked at her, her made of coffee and manic depression and sex. The waitress, Frankie, came over.

"Can I get y'all some more coffee?" asked Frankie with her Southern accent. Not a Southern accent like people have in "Gone With The Wind" or on TV, but like how actual Southern people talk. It's very different and subtle compared to the TV accent. Frankie was cool, just because she was working at the original Waffle House in Avondale Estates, Georgia, if for no other reason.

"Thanks, please," she said.

"None for me, I'm planning on sleeping today," he said, feeling like a dork. It was already 3AM on a weeknight; there wasn't much point in sleeping anyway. The restaurant was almost empty, but for the pair and the wait staff.

"That's fine honey," responded Frankie to his grimace as she turned away.

"I guess that's why I'm going to hell," she said, winding the prior conversation back into a satisfying loop.

"I suppose so, but it kind of sucks to believe in predestination and still suspect that you're going to hell. Then again I can't be mad at God. If He thinks sending me to hell is for the best..."

A silence drifted between them for a moment or two. She studied the strange emptiness occupying her coffee cup, and he studied her. He was quite taken with her, as the case was.

"So, Helen," that was the girl's name, Helen Kakutani, "what do you think of Leibniz's theory that this is the best of all possible worlds?"

"Who?"

"Leibniz. He invented calculus and thought that this was the best of all possible worlds. For the world to be any better would be a logical contradiction."

"I think that's pretty silly. The world can be rather non-zesty."

Helen delivered this line in a manner calculated to demonstrate that life itself was causing her much pain, even at that moment. In her handbag, there was a collection of pills, some of them antidepressants. He watched her swallow them before they came. However, to his eyes, she was the prettiest girl that he had had the pleasure of sitting across from in a Waffle House booth. Her hair was curly (kind of) and red (kind of). She had on earrings that were DIY loops of pearl-like beads. She wore a short purple dress made of wool and a maroon button up sweater. Her skin was clear and white, and her eyebrows always about to arch in new and fascinating directions. Her lips could pout in ways that made concentrating difficult. There was a faint layer of glitter about her. Or was that just something he imagined?

"Well, yeah, but his point was there was no way for God to make a less sucky world without..."

Suddenly, he was interrupted. The windows shattered into a thousand bits of glass as a swarm of hooded ninjas dressed in black repelled into the building.

Helen and Calvin, that was the guy's name, Calvin Paulson, looked at each other with gleam in their eyes. So, the vengeance for blowing up the ninja hive had, at last, come. They were ready for it. The ninjas glanced back and forth between each other and the pair in the booth, waiting to see who would make the first move. With sudden violence, the pair exploded into action busting ninjas every which way with their mad empty hand skillz. Frankie walked over and refilled Helen's cup, while Helen smashed a ninja's head into the jukebox. Calvin leapt into the air with a tatsumakisenpuukyaku, spin kicking three ninjas out the now glass-less windows. Helen's feet became a blur as she kick ninjas into a puree. Calvin whipped out a loop de loop with his yo-yo, launching a ninja into the ceiling. Helen grabbed a frying pan and smacked away one ninja. Calvin grabbed a ninja, twirled him around then launched him away, judo style. Helen jumped up and seemed almost to hover for a second and a half before she karate chopped another ninja's neck. Frankie shot a discouraging look at the last ninja, who respectfully left the building through the main entrance, his head hung in shame. Then Frankie went back to the break room for a smoke, the ninja crisis apparently averted.

Then, one final ninja entered the devastated restaurant, haughtily stepping in through the broken window. Obviously he was the head ninja, because he was wearing a slightly more ornate outfit and because he was laughing an evil laugh.

"Bwhahahaha! So, you have done well thus far, but your challenge has just begun."

He threw off his cape, unsheathed a daikatana, and raised its gleaming metallic blade with a slow flourish. Helen and Calvin grabbed wooden mallets from the kitchen area and gathered close.

"Kiiya!" shouted the head ninja, charging at them, his fierce sword rapidly approaching the duo's necks. They sidestep dodged just as his deadly blade came down on their former location then quickly swung their mallets together in a ground sweep attack, knocking the ninja to the ground. Charging forward, the pair plowed the diabolical sensei into the air then, as he returned to the floor, they delivered a deadly double swing of their tiny mallets for an out of the park home run.

"Yop!" said the pair, raising the utensils in Babe Ruth-like fashion and nodding.

Calvin picked up the conversation where he left off.

"Like, I'm just saying, that maybe this is the best the world can be without violating the rules of logic. I mean,especially, if in the world you have someone to be with..."

"I'm not that special," she said, her brows furrowing in a way that made Calvin's heart enter terminal doki doki panic. There were scars on her wrists, not from ninjas, and Calvin knew it.

"I think you are."

"It's just..." she trailed off and her eyes became watery.

"But, it doesn't have to be. Just write what you want me to do in a letter then act surprised when I do it. Anything, it doesn't matter--I mean that... It's just, I like you, a lot. OK?"

"You're in a battleground..."

"A battleground of emotion in your life?"

"No, I mean a literal battleground."

"Oh, right."

He reached over and put his arm on the narrow of her waist then kind of looked down and to the corner. She inched towards him. He looked at her face, up so close. Their mouthes drew near. It was inevitable now, and nothing could stop it.

"I just don't like you like that."

BEEP BEEP!

A red flashing LED had counted down to zero as a bomb hidden by the cast off cloak of the head ninja exploded, engulfing Waffle House Zero in a fiery mushroom cloud and transforming it into a Hunan Express, the worst of all possible restaurants. In the darkness, the head ninja chuckled maniacally as smoke filled the Avondale sky. It seemed as though Calvin had been defeated on all fronts.

The End?