Dear Neil,
So Adam and Eve are sitting around bare ass naked one day, when the serpent comes along and says, “Apples are cool.” Being the observant kids they were, they decided all by themselves that they really liked apples, they weren’t doing it just because it was cool. To celebrate, they decide to get some spiffy new threads to go along with their big bad selves. Stylin’ in some fig leaf prints, they packed up their rocks and sticks and moved out to a new place in the suburbs, only a few minutes drive from downtown Eden. Adam got a job investing the sweat of his brow toiling over the cursed ground and Eve concentrated on being a homemaker. The serpent got a job in marketing. Trouble came a few years later, when Cain went and popped a cap in Abel’s backside after Abel got an ‘A’ in religion 101, while Cain got a ‘C+’.

“Am I my brother’s shopkeeper?”

Presently, I am attending university expressly for the purpose of learning a scam. A scam is any method of earning money that takes advantage of others. Basically, a scam is a job that gets you paid more than a guy digging a ditch, for doing less work than digging a ditch. My scam will be computer science. Should be good.

My philosophy teacher is always ragging on Socrates and how it just so happens that the best life is the life of the philosopher (i.e. Socrates). I try not to be too hard on Socrates; very few philosophies really suppose that the best life is that much different from how people try to live. They are more concerned with finding a logical way to rationalize everyday life. No philosophy says the meaning of life is to spray paint things blue or attack ant colonies or kill yourself. All philosophies have certain standards for acceptable behavior to which they conform. If you ask me what the meaning of life is then I’ll tell you, “Drinking Coca-Cola® and Coca-Cola® brand beverages!”

Humor is a good defense mechanism.

Since I’m at university, learning scams as well as I can, also I like to spend my time learning from my peers. For example, one day at dinner I asked people to tell me what the meaning of life is. I then recorded their answers on a napkin. Had there been an answer, which could not fit on a napkin, I may have been persuaded to believe it. The answers came in three basic categories, God, happiness and sex. Also, one person said forty-two, but he was kidding. Humor is also a good way to get away with not thinking.

Malls are a funny place. They represent the triumph of quantity over quality in America. Ancient kings were treated much better by their tailors than GAP shoppers are by the employees there. Then again, there were a couple dozen kings at any given time, whereas there are millions of GAP customers.

I really have no idea what precisely love is. However, I’m pretty confident that it has something to do with the meaning of life. Once I entered a relationship with a girl just to figure out what love is. All I came away with is that love is not like Friends on NBC. So in order to clarify the situation, I turned once more to my fellow Furmanites, napkin in hand. All they came up with is that love is the opposite of hate (which I disagree with) and that love is a strong feeling towards. This is not quite for what I was looking. If you ask me what the meaning of love is then I’ll tell you, “Hugs and attention, since my mom always followed hugs and attention with a declaration of her love.”

At the mall on Sunday with my friends, we kept going to GAPs and Abercrombies and Structures. I tried to kill time in the Hello Kitty store, but only Badtz-Maru items are marketed to my demographic, and I have all the CD cases I need. It was my strong desire to ask a clerk how much it would cost to make me normal. However, since I was already wearing my brown corduroy pants, blue button up shirt, Seventies tie, and wool blazer, I didn’t want to go through the hassle of changing clothes. Plus spending my parent’s money makes me feel guilty. Instead I stood near the front and danced when a song with a reasonable beat came on.

Greenville has a decent punk population. They are easy to spot. This allows them to pick each other out of a crowd in a hurry. Plus, it scares the squares. This is silly, because it’s all a show on both sides. Punks can be God fearing, and squares can be drunken jerks. Punks fake scary; squares fake normal. Everyone is fooled.

There are lots of ways to dehumanize a person. Racism, nationalism, and many other –isms rely on that. You see a person, and you don’t automatically make the mental connection between the person and the existence of their immortal soul. You need to get to know the person first. Then she become wacky X, where X is a human with individual personality and quirks. Familiar love is a process by which we come to accept a person’s personality and quirks. Erotic love is more tricky, but probably a variation on that theme.

I wish I was a punk, but I don’t have the right clothes. This at least means that I am not a poseur. Poseurs wear the clothes of punk without the attitude and intellect. I’m trying the opposite, I hope.

My napkin surveys are really just scams. I’m really just trying to get to talk to some people and mess with the heads of others. Mainly, I was trying to get a gimmick with which to talk to a cute red headed girl. Though, I am interested in the questions in their own right. It turned out that the girl was trying to attract cool people to her by dressing funny, and I guess it worked. The scam didn’t work quite as well for her as it works for punks, but good enough. The trouble with life is you sometimes get what you deserve. Too bad she already has a boyfriend, C’est la vie.

I sinned. I was kicked out of the garden of Governor’s School and sent to this suburb. I just hope that I don’t buy the hype. I hope I don’t forget that I’m a scam artist, hustling the computer science wanting fools. I hope I don’t confuse my personas with myself.