I'm not actually at Furman yet, so to be more accurate I should say the "in-my-house-all-summer" report, but that's no fun. Instead, I'll just imagine what Furman is like. This shouldn't be too hard, since I have a good imagination. Let's see, uhhh, there's people and uh some of them are cool, but most of them are rich people that think that they're cool but actually since they are conformists thus the antithesis of the original meaning of cool. And uh, they have a cafeteria and it serves Pepsi products, so I have to drink more water, since I don't like Pepsi. And uh… OK, I suck at imagining practical things. So instead, let's all imagine that the school is really a secret training ground for ninjas and spies. And cosmonauts. Well, now this is becoming interesting, no? OK, so yesterday at secret ninja class the professor was talking about how the best way to kill someone without them noticing was to jump down from an air vent in the ceiling and I looked up, just randomly, and I saw a spy for the cosmonaut fraternity using his mini camera to take pictures of the notes I was taking.
Above: A deadly ninja. So I discreetly pulled out a throwing star and then casually tossed it up at him. It killed him, but he was stuck in the vent and no one else noticed until after class. I'm glad they did notice since he undoubtedly would have begun to smell soon. Of course, the campus authorities swept it all under the carpet and told the parents he died drinking and driving. They may even put his name on one of those "so and so died drinking and driving, so don't do it" posters. Maybe his example will change the behavior of others and thus save dozens or even hundreds of lives. Just think, by killing one person, I may have improved the lives of so many others. From a strictly utilitarian point of view, it would seem to have been a good deed to kill this guy. Well, that's how things are here Furman! I've gotta dash of to my 'ethics of the bushido warrior' class now. Hope you kids at GSchool are still getting into mischief.

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