NARRATOR: "What follows may as well be a true story, and since we all know the effects of TV upon the MTV generation, it is assured that someone will feel the need to live this out after seeing it performed. So there. It's real. The names have been changed, but only to make them more comical in appearance."

(Scene 1: 3:00 PM, A Sad Excuse For A Class, Friday, SCGXXXM)
INSTRUCTOR: "And to conclude for the day, sex is bad and will make you fucking die. Have a good weekend."
*CLASS GETS UP AND LEAVES*
INSTRUCTOR: "ASHISHBOBO, may I see you briefly after class?"
ASHISHBOBO: "Can't you see me now? My religion only makes me invisible in the afterlife. DEAD ALREADY AM I?"
INSTRUCTOR: "Oh, foolish foreignor! You'll never be able to grasp my potent, knowledge-bestowing tongue! I meant that I need to talk to you about your relationship with your 'lifemate', Moshibaba."
ASHISHBOBO: "More 'I' statements should we be using?"
INSTRUCTOR: "No. You guys are covered on that front. But, it has come to my attention via the numerous on-campus cameras that you two are coming awfully close to penetrating each others' body bubbles."
ASHISHBOBO: "My face is red with the shame for my lust, but we would never partake of each other fully until after the ten-year long marriage ceremony."
INSTRUCTOR: "I am aware of this, but you face other dangers. I believe your culture translates your sin as 'riding the pineapple'. We call it 'dry humping'.
*SINISTER MUSIC*
ASHISHBOBO: "IS NO SIN! YOU ARE OPPRESSOR!"
INSTRUCTOR: "Didn't you see the cryptic warning in your Sex Ed textbook? 'Dry hump once, then twice, then three, and a dangerous visitor you shall receive'!"
ASHISHBOBO: "I FEAR NOT YOUR VISITOR! IT IS A MYTH OF YOUR STRANGE, STRANGE COUNTRY!"
*ASHISHBOBO STORMS OUT OF THE CLASSROOM*
INSTRUCTOR: "A MYTH?!?!? HA! If 'the visitor' is a myth, then I fellate infants! Well, not counting my own, you know.

(Scene 2: 10:00 PM, A Bush, Saturday, Cocker Campus)
MOSHIBABA: "It has been a fine evening."
ASHIYOYOPO: "Yes, it has. Bullets' provided us with a fine gourmet meal of American cuisine, the stars have provided us with light, and you have provided me with a gracious erection."
MOSHIBABA: "Your name has changed since the first scene."
ASHIYOYOPO: "As is the custom of our homeland."
MOSHIBABA: "Yes. Now, about that erection."
ASHIYOYOPO: "Let us consumate our love by the rubbing together of our pantses!"
MOSHIBABA: "Our third venture into the land of blue-jeaned intercourse will be our finest yet!"
*THROBBING PORNO MUSIC*
*FAT MAN IN A DRESS APPEARS*
ASHIYOYOPA: "OH! I am so frightened my name has changed once more!"
FAIRY: "HELLO. I AM THE DRY HUMPING FAIRY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE THRICE VIOLATED THE MORAL CODE OF THIS LAND, I MUST SHOOT YOU WITH A LASER."
*LASERS FIRE FROM THE FAIRY'S EARS*
MOSHIBABA: "I die."
ASHIYOYOPA: "As do I."
*FROM THE SIDE, THE INSTRUCTOR APPEARS*
INSTRUCTOR: "They have learned our ways only in death."
FAIRY: "BUT I CARE NOT TO LEARN THEIR'S. EVER. I LIKE MY NAME THE WAY IT IS. 'FAIRY'. IT SUITS ME."
INSTRUCTOR: "Yes, it most sexually does. Come over here and let me dry hump your elfin leg."
FAIRY:: "OK. BUT YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE MORE TIME UNTIL I HAVE TO KILL YOU."

(END)