The USC Report Or The In Sound from Way Out
The news don’t come ‘round here no more. Well, since this is the Christmas edition of TJ, I figured I’d just hold off on all the bad news until after the beginning of the new millenium (that is, if Jesus doesn’t come back and prove me wrong; I plan on saying "my bad" if he does happen to pop up at the stroke of midnight).
Well, either that or I’m really lazy. You decide.
So, I don’t wanna make up any news, but I’d still like to write something. Perhaps I should make some predictions for the near future. Hmmm… I don’t really think I’ve ever been wrong (said my relationship would work out… check, said Sleepy Hollow would be really good… check, said I really could get fucked up all Thursday night and still manage to do well on my 9:00 am Friday Economics exam with no sleep… CHECCCCCKKKKMATE), so I think I’m a veritable authority. Hear me out.
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GARTH BROOKS WILL FUCKING REMEMBER THAT HE IS A TALENTLESS HONKY NAMED GARTH BROOKS AND NOT A TALENTLESS HIPPY NAMED CHRIS GAINES.
This is inevitable. If I remember correctly, this is the by-product of what we sane folks call a "mid-life crisis." Most people just buy a sports car or purchase a little girl for use as a sex toy, but good ol’ Garth decided to become what Trent Reznor would be like on a steady regiment of Valium and Diet Coke. Am I the only person who saw that sad, sad VH1 special? Apparently Mr. Books has discovered the power of delusion. Let us hope that it does not become his master.
THE BACKSTREET BOYS WILL IMPLODE.
There’s only so much hair gel and inane pop music that a body can take before it attempts to return to the void from whence it came.
POKEMON WILL TURN TO A LIFE ON THE STREET AFTER BECOMING WILDLY UNPOPULAR DUE TO NINTENDO’S ALL-ENCOMPASSING ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN.
"Pika… so horny… love chu long time." Hell, Diglett looks phallic already. He’s got a promising life-after-brief-popularity ahead in the porn industry. And how long do you think it’ll be until someone figures out which of the grass Pokemon are cool to smoke? I’ve got news for you: that 152nd one made the room change colors.
THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE WILL BE BETTER THAN THE PHANTOM MENACE.
This is prediction about as obvious as what those people at Dionne Warwick’s psychic hellhole give you. Wait… it’s probably gonna be a sappy romance… damn. There isn’t even going to be any incest like in the others. Aw.
YOUR RESEARCH PRESENTATION WILL SUCK TO NO END.
Oh yeah. Don’t fear the Reaper.
YOU WILL FIND THE WRITER OF THIS DOCUMENT INCREDIBLY HANDSOME.
And not just because you looked into the sad, sad hypnotic whirlpool. He really is that handsome. If you’re a junior, just ask one of your seniors. If you’re a senior, you’d do best to remember that time I gave you a kidney when you needed it.
YOU WILL GO TO USC
Oh, come on. You know it’s true. You’re not good enough for Ivy League. Come on down and play in the mud. It’s fun. We have a Taco Bell.
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Well, that’s all I’ve got in me. I guess I hope that at least a few of you have a decent Christmas and a passable New Years’. If any of you get bored or something, you could write to:
penguinboy_jimmy@zombieworld.com
I could use some ideas for new topics. I could use witty E-mail. Make me feel better about being socially inadequate. I know you can. I’m pretty nice for the most part, I think. I probably won’t track down your home address and seduce your mom. I’ve been treated for that. Now, I won’t do anything unless mommy-dearest starts it. I will warn you, though- she’s been giving me "the eye."