THE DRESS CODE CRISIS, DAY 3

DEBORAH DERRICK HOARDING FOOD, WHEELCHAIRS IN HANDICAPPED ROOM

Harstville, Nov. 17 In Hartsville, SC, the rioting continued over the new dress code policies at the Governor’s School for S & M. The students, ironically describing the dress code in the same words that the dress code had used to describe their clothes, deemed the new policies “inappropriate” and “scandalous”.

When asked for comment, Kiwi Davis thought that everyone should just go naked. “Hey, why not?” asked Kiwi. “I mean, come on. We’re all adults here.” He then commenced to take off all of his clothes while urging others to do the same or at least to watch him.

Dr. William Alexander, beloved biology teacher and vice president of something at the school thought the new dress code was atrocious. “This is an outrage!” Billy Boy was quoted as saying. “This is definitely going to screw up my grading scale. If I can’t see any curves, how does the school expect me to curve grades? I’m definitely going to do something about this.”

Back in the *uck A. Coker Residence Hall, rioting reached frenzied heights. Students marched around in extra short miniskirts and spaghetti straps, chanting the letters “F” and “A,” obviously some sort of cult motto. Many students who formerly made up the group known as the “Goody Goodies” a.k.a. the “Brown Nosing Crew” were seen piercing parts of their bodies which, for graphic reasons, cannot be divulged in this article.

In the midst of all the bedlam, Fred Lynn, interim president at the school, has been reported missing. It is thought that he may be hiding underground until the dispute is over.

We caught up to Leland Cox, former president of the school, to see what he thought about the whole thing. “Yep. That school’s going to hell in a hand basket,” stated Cox. “Why do you think I dipped like a crack-head? That school’s been going to sh*t since the day I left.” When asked for further comment, Cox simply said, “Tell that candy ass, Lynn, to keep my chair warm for me. I’m coming back to represent one time for my people. Caffee better watch his back.” The meaning of these words is still under question.

Deborah Derrick, head RLC at the Governor’s School has been seen stocking up on canned goods and wheel chairs in her lair, also known as the “Handicapped Room”. When asked for a comment on the matter, Derrick hurriedly replied, “I thought they were good policies. I did all I could. I swear! I always do everything in my power for those kids. Oh God. I’ve got to get more food! These little bastards are out for blood!” She then ran into the Handicapped Room and has been there for the past three days. Communications have been cut off to the Handicapped Room and Derrick’s condition is unknown, but thought to be unstable at best.

…more to come as the crisis evolves.