Toilets not only are useful household plumbing devices, they are also focal points of disaster. Many things like to live in and around toilets, causing them to do bad things like clog. The most common of these, and how to deal with them, are contained in the following passages...

Demons

These nasty creatures will take up residence in your toilet and then do evil things to if left to their own devices. You can feed roommates to the demons to appease them, but the roommate supply can only last so long. The only other option when you've used up your roommates is to call up an exorcist to remove the demons with the power of organized religion. You have to be careful, though, because they'll possess him if they really want to live in your toilet. Then he'll do crazy things like leap out of windows (ever seen The Exorcist?) and then sue you if he survives the fall.

Mold

You wouldn't think mold to be that bad of a thing. Yeah, sure, it gives us diseases and makes food go bad, but it also gives us penicillin and interesting ceiling patterns in public bathrooms. However, after observing the malevolent action of the mold on the wall on third floor guys, I've come to the conclusion that it could also take over plumbing and incorporate it into its realm of evil. Take care when getting rid of mold, for it is subtle and quick to anger. It's capable of shooting out spores and taking over your body if you disturb its plans. High powered, industrial-strength chemicals should do the trick, but take care not to melt the toilet. If you also have demons (see above) inhabiting the toilet, try to pit them against the mold, and then you can take out the winner.

Water

This terrifying substance is the bane of all things plumbing. Water courses through pipes, constantly eroding them, bit by bit. And the worst part is it seems there's no way to get around it! You just have to put up with water. But wait! There is an answer, in the form of a device called an outhouse. Outhouses use no water, but there are some small drawbacks, in that it is much easier to fall into an outhouse than a toilet. In fact, that's a pretty big drawback. Also, all kinds of things live in outhouses, like spiders, snakes, lizards, insects, slugs, elk, demons, and, of course, mold. So maybe it's just better to put up with the water.

Rogue Scrubbing Bubbles

You know those little bubbles with brushes on the bottom that fly around and scrub bathrooms in commercials while jazzy music plays in the background? Ever wonder how they can clean and still smile all the time? The answer is that they can't. Some of the scrubbing bubbles just can't take it when you squirt them out of the can, and will desert from their cause, preferring instead to wreak havoc in your bathroom. They will even form little tribes of disgruntled bubbles and settle in the toilet. They can be a problem to clean if you also have mold, because they exist in symbiosis with it. They protect it from invaders, and it in turn allows them to farm and harvest it for food. Scrubbing bubbles, however, hate demons, so try to make the two evils fight it out the same way as with demons and mold, and then take out the winner. If you don't take care of the problem quickly, the bubbles will rejoin the workforce and then form unions and demand wages. To kill scrubbing bubbles without the aid of demons, dump a few gallons of Pine-Sol in your bathroom. Even though they've abandoned their ideals, the bubbles still hate competition, and will move out.

A Herald of Death

Sometimes these guys will take up residence in toilets. No one knows why. It's really bad to get one, though, because they tend to make live people into dead people. They also convert any resident demons into their minions, making them an even bigger threat. If you do have the misfortune of one of these harbingers of doom living in your bathroom facilities, invite over someone who you really hate. Then, run into the bathroom and flush the toilet a lot, to make the Herald angry. As he comes out of the toilet to attack you, grab your guest and throw him at the Herald. The Herald will kill him, become satiated, and return to the toilet. It doesn't get rid of the Herald, but at least you get rid of people you don't like. If you really want to get rid of Mr. Bearer of Doom himself, you'll have to hire an exorcist and flush him down the toilet. Actually, this doesn't do any good, because the Herald will kill him too. But it is kind of funny. Wittiness aside, though, you only have to put up with the Herald for a few months before he moves out.

These are the most common of the toilet ailments. You'll notice that they all have their own separate solutions, but in fact there is one solution that will fix any of them. There is a mysterious man employed by Coker whose job is to fix things, and you can contact him by a similarly mysterious slip of paper called a maintenance slip. When he receives this, he will gladly come fix the toilet, but only at some undisclosed time far in the future (i.e. the End of Time). This is because he has other things to worry about than a demon-infested toilet, like watching TV and sleeping. So he's only a last-ditch solution, because even the least confident mold will have killed everything and taken over the world with an army of scrubbing bubbles by the time he comes to fix it.