Soap is the yardstick of civilization. To make soap, we must first render conversation. Because the salt content is just right, human conversation is best.

"Where are we?"

Liposuction clinic. That doesn't matter, though. The conversation comes from attention.

"Huh?"

I have a homework assignment for you. Pick a fight with somebody. Anybody. You'll be surprised at the lengths people go through to avoid a fight. When you fight them, I want you to lose. Let them win. Let them feel emasculated. Give them a hug afterwards and tell them it was male bonding.

"And?"

By approaching someone, you've gathered attention. Don't let that pot of attention go to waste, though. I like to stir it up with a fight. I think most of the world uses agitation, even with people they love.

"Okay, I am Jack's perplexed facial expression here. What are you talking about?"

Listen to me. This is the greatest moment in your life, and you're somewhere else. Focus on the people around you. The ones who are the closest to each other. They argue. They fret. They poke fun of each other and play practical jokes. They do "mean" things. You've always known it. It stirs up the attention, like you should be stirring now. You've let it settle a bit, but that's okay. See the foam at the top of the pot there? That's tallow, or glycerin. Add nitric acid and you have nitroglycerin. Skim that off. We can use it later. Now comes the fun part. Give me your hand.

"..."

Good. Now this, this burn you feel, this is some more agitation. You know those people around you? The close ones? The ones who upset each other to keep things interesting? The thick, oozy discharge that comes from their bloated arguments is exactly what you need to form this.

"Soap?"

No, not soap. A silky smooth, lemon-scented bar of Love. Forget the soap. I'm talking about relationships here. Life is full of people, and they will ignore you. They will ignore you because you are the same dying compost as everyone else. You don't even have to pretend you are a beautiful and unique snowflake. You just have to make them notice you. It's too hard to do nice things, and this society doesn't woo people any more. Therefore, agitation is key.

Everybody thinks they're going to be friends with millionaires, movie gods, and rock stars. But they're not. Raymond K. Hessel from a sorry basement apartment will be your pal. Enjoy him. Don't make him work for your friendship like you've been working for everyone else's. This is your friend, and he's ending one minute at a time. When you see that someone, be they friend or foe, you can be sure that some day, they will be dead and in the ground. Why not be productive with that person? You must know - know, not fear - that someday, he, she, whoever, is going to die.

Until then, you are useless.

"Stop, maybe this is a bad place to start the story..."