The Rob's Guide to Cathcing Dragonflies

Step one, of course, is to get yourself a Bug Net. A Bug Net can be loosely defined as a net with which you catch bugs, so with that in mind, lets pick a good structural design. The best would be a big net on a long pole. The pictures below will give you a good idea of what to look for.

The one on the left is the Bug Net. The one on the right is a Supercarrier. It is only good for catching bugs insomuch as that it can run into them. Although it might be fun to sail around in the ocean trying to hit bugs in a giant aircraft carrier, it’s irrelevant for the purposes of this article. So, now that you have your bug-catching instrument, let’s move on to step two: catching dragonflies.

The primary method for catching a dragonfly is this:

1) Approach it carefully with your net held high.

2) Wait for a second.

3) Swing your net down full force at the dragonfly and watch it gracefully dodge out of the way and fly off into the distance.

4) Chase clumsily after it as it flies over the nearby pond.

5) Run towards the pond after it, slip, and fall into the pond.

6) Come out dripping wet, curse a lot, and go home.

“What?” you say. “Aren’t you supposed to catch the dragonfly?” Well... dragonflies are close to impossible to catch. They can fly backwards and side to side, at speeds approaching light. After my attempts at catching them for research this summer, I’m also convinced that they can phase out of reality and then replace themselves with a dragonfly of a species that you aren’t interested in. So, no, the likely outcome is that you won’t catch a dragonfly. If you really want one, though, there are alternate methods than using a net.

Two Alternate Methods to Using A Bug Net

Grenades

Actually, any explosive device could be used, from pipe bombs to thermonuclear warheads. The only hard part is getting it near the dragonfly. The wily little beast will probably teleport out of the way of the blast, too, so explosives, even large missiles, are not as useful as you might think.

Letting your Mentor Do It

My mentor possessed superhuman powers that allowed him to catch dragonflies and actually bring them back to the lab. I think he could teleport, too. So whenever I needed a dragonfly to work on, I would just ask him to pick one up on his daily rounds

SO, the point of the article is that... well... since it didn’t exactly explain how to effectively catch a dragonfly, I guess it has no point. Wait, no, no, I have one: the point is to not consult humor columns to find the secrets of life. Hey, you know, that actually has a sort of philosophical ring to it; I need to remember that. All right, that gives me a third alternate method.

Make up a cool slogan, sell it on a bumper sticker, make a lot of money, and hire people to catch dragonflies for you.

This would probably be the best way of going about the task. Always pass the buck, that’s what I say. So, what are you waiting for? Go make some money and get those dragonflies.

--Rob Mitchell

[editor's note: a good way to sell a product is to advertise on Transfinite Joy]