On the Side of Celion Dion: The Scorn of Korn
by Daniel Pounder

     Pop music today encompasses many different genres of music: Latin, boy/girl bands, rap, country rock.  However, some of these genres do not belong is the category of popular music.  Which brings me to the unpleasant subject of hard rock music.  Korn is the most prominent band in the category of popular music that specializes in hard rock music.  Although I, personally, do not care for their music that much, I realize that there are some (let me reach deep down into my bag of euphemisms and call them “morons”) who enjoy listening to the music of Korn.  I will now express, in overtly biased detail, my contempt of Korn.      

     Let me begin with the actual music I listened to.  I want to say before hand that I did in fact listen to an entire Korn CD on my own so that this critique would have no fictitious insulting remarks.  All insulting remarks about Korn in this paper are true.  That said, let the Korn bashing begin.  What struck me as the funniest aspect of their music was that the lead singer would, in most every song, go into a rendition of hacking, gagging, mumbling, and just generally sounding as though he were suffering from an unusual throat disease.  Whenever he is not doing this, he is whispering the lyrics, and seemed to be straining to get the words out, as if he was trying to pass an extremely large gallstone.  At no time in any of the songs was he actually singing.

     One of the many other quirky aspects of Korn music is the music videos that they make.  The only thing worse than hearing the music of Korn is seeing what they look like as they are singing.  Their mere appearance would avert even the most open-minded social worker.  I think this stems most from the hairstyles.  The lead singer’s hair doesn’t seem as though it has been washed within the current geological era, which makes it look like the pelt of a very sick rodent.  The other band members hairstyles follow the typical hairstyle of hard rock band members: smearing the hair with what appears to be transmission fluid, making it stick up in great big spikes, so that it resembles a marine creature striking a defensive posture.

     I realize that many people who enjoy Korn music will be offended by this critique, but I must reminded them that I have opinions just like they do, and in this case, their opinions are wrong.  Korn music is just not good. 

on the side of Korn: Brian Williams

The Titanic Soundtrack is seventy-two and a half minutes of music extracted from the film. Seventy-two and a half minutes that should have been left in. Since the music on the movie didn’t seem bad, the action on screen must have distracted everyone from the total crap playing in the music sequences.

The Titanic Soundtrack’s first and last part features two moods: sadness and awe. The soundtrack beats both to death with a stick. Even more so, it beats each emotion to death with it’s own one tune, over and over and over. Once again, this is probably because it was made for a movie soundtrack. With things going on, everyone wants a familiar tune. But when listening to just the soundtrack, it’s just boring. Watch the preview and close your eyes – you’ll get half the soundtrack. And if I wanted to listen to thirty minutes of depressing music, I’d listen to Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, not this crap.

Even worse than the mood music is the dramatic “Bad stuff’s happening” middle section. All the dramatic (and repetitive) music makes absolutely no sense without being able to see what’s happening. I just wonder what the big fuss is about during twenty minutes of having the soundtrack trying to rouse me to a nerve-wracking state for no apparent reason.

There’s only one track with lyrics at all (unless you count the pathetic gasping on the first track that suggests someone was vocalizing), Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, and even that is repeated on several tracks, sans music and with different instruments. They really didn’t have enough music to fill the CD, and it’s apparent. Get some creativity

In closing, if you ever feel the need to go out and this soundtrack, don’t. Buy the movie and close your eyes. Not only will you save money; whenever you come to your senses, you’ll still have a mildly enjoyable movie (C’mon, who doesn’t want to see Leonardo de Caprio freeze to death?).