The Rob's Guide to Hartsville Nightlife

Hartsville: the All-American City. The brochure (yes, there actually is one) describes the place as having a "plethora of cultural activities". Or maybe it was a cornucopia. I forget. It’s not important anyway, and I digress. Listed below are the some of the things I personally find most thrilling to do on a Hartsville night.

Going to the Sonic

This is very popular. It’s also fun to buy things there too, using the crappy piece of equipment that they try to pass off as a speaker:

Me: Hi, I’d like a large Oreo milkshake.

The "speaker": <cchhhhh chchhdh chchchh hchchch hchch>

Me: Umm, yeah.

Them: <Chhhhchc hcchhc hchchc fries chhchhchcch>

Me: No, not fries. Milkshake.

Them: <Chchhchchhchc chchch chchchhchchchch raw llama hcchhc hcchhchchchc chchchhch?>

Me: For God’s sake, no!!! I only want a milkshake!

At this point, the speaker makes noises leading me to believe it is about to explode.

Me: Please?

And you get my drift. However, the Sonic is also an excellent place for observing the local fauna of the town, namely those participating in the next activity:

Driving around in circles and looking like an Idiot at the Sonic

Although we as governor’s school students can’t actually do this because our cars are safely locked away, this appears to be a favorite among Hartsville natives who have cars that are not locked away. Time and time again, these amazing creatures will enter the Sonic drive-in, go around the little paved circle, and leave Sonic, only to drive right back in again! Incredible, isn’t it? Their sheer perseverance amazes me to no end.

Going out to eat at places other than the Sonic

Well, yes, there are in fact restaurants other than the fine, cultured establishment of Sonic, but they tend to cost more money. Top on my personal list is Applebees, where you can spend exorbitant amounts of money for slow service and mediocre food. Next is Bizzels, the premier restaurant for anyone who wants to pay more money than at Applebees, for slower service and exactly the same caliber food. Finally, we have the Dining Hall, where the food can rival even toxic waste (on occasion). Other restaurants exist, but I don’t have near enough adjectives to describe them all.

Sleeping

A wonderful choice, accomplished by simply closing your eyes and collapsing on whatever patch of ground you happen to be on. Be it on a bed, couch, or rocky outcropping, sleep will always be an effective way to spend your time (although the rocks could give you cramps when you wake up).

Studying

This involves shoving my nose into my notes and hoping that the information migrates into my brain before the test the next morning. Sometimes it works; more often it doesn’t, which is why I tend to study at times other than the night before the test. But finally, the number one thing to do in Hartsville at night...

Playing Minesweeper Incessantly

Now this is prime, quality entertainment. Minesweeper, created by the wizards at Microsoft, is probably the best game ever programmed. Trying to find those devilish little mines and clear the map keeps me on the edge of my chair for hours, even days, on end. Constant clicking, the thrill of near-success, the desolation of loss, and the clicking of the little smiley-face at the top to reset the board; these are the things that keep a man going. Wait a sec. What am I talking about? This is what I get for writing TFJ articles at two in the morning. Hey, yeah, there’s another thing I can add.

Writing Transfinite Joy Articles at two in the morning while aimlessly flipping coins in the air

Whee, what a great thing to do. The title says it all. Aggh, I dropped my coin again.

Well, there it is. A plethoric cornucopia of wildly entertaining activities to do on a Hartsville night. I’m going to bed now.