Fetish-Theory-Self Centered

I am into introspection. I like to find out about me. My previous excuse for doing this was to identify my flaws in order to correct them. I was content with this arrangement until I developed a mental fetish for the
concept of self-absorption.

This fetish grew a theory. The theory: I was only thinking about me because I was incurably self-centered.
This idea was stay-up-late-and-worry upsetting, so I made an immediate effort to remedy the situation - I documented all of my thoughts in order to analyze their level of self-centeredness. This activity backfired, however, since in order to carry out the plan I had to focus on myself even more.

Next I tried to concentrate on other people. This involved walking down the street, replacing my thoughts about my posture with the posture of other people. I had to think about my classmates' past summers instead of mine. This didn't work for two reasons: first, I knew next to nothing about other people; second, I wondered whether the people around me knew that I was thinking about them, which made me paranoid.

I adapted to this situation by adopting a personality quirk wherein I became sullen and bitter every time someone mentioned selfishness in a conversation. This didn't resolve anything either so I dropped that gig. As a last resort (which should have been my first resort) I tried to think about God all the time. Not just sometimes, or usually, but allllllll the time. It was a welcome release; I knew that God understood verything, so I didn't have to worry about trying to completely understand myself or other people. Of course, I didn't understand God either; so paradoxically my extreme (maybe) self-awareness and addiction to understanding was replaced with a continual awareness of something beyond comprehension.

Meanwhile, this system helped me realize that I could think about myself without having a guilty conscience, because, face it, it's impossible to completely blot oneself out of one's mind. If nothing else, I'd starve. It was an interesting day when I made this discovery. I celebrated with a nap and a cookie.

-catherine b.