The USC Report

Or

What It’s Like Where You’ll Probably Soon Be

By Anonymo the Nameless

----A paid advertisement by Mr. Lamenco----

I know, I know. You’ve got the brochures. You’ve got the course guide. You’ve got $20,000 in scholarships just to show up. But, you’re still afraid to set sail for the sunny beaches of Columbia.

What the fuck’s wrong with you?

Hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m just a little man in a computer trying to tell you to do what’s right. And, nothing is more right than good ol’ righty-right-right USC! Isn’t that right, Little Jim, handsome and studly current Freshman dolt?

That’s right, Little Jim! If you don’t go to USC, then you’ve probably got a Special Olympics scholarship to go somewhere better like Coastal or Erskine, so we don’t even want your thoroughbred kind here!

I do, too, Little Jim! But, save that sweet loving for later! You’re late for your next super-easy class! And frankly, nothing’s better than sweet loving, except for maybe a pushover, pill-popping, about-to-knock-off professor! We can set you up with one, no problemo! Stick around long enough and you can be one! You’ll be spouting useless philosophical trivia to useless lumps of athletic ability in no time! Oh-oh! Close your eyes and don’t peep! They’re getting someone to take the exam for them!

Say, all that dirty foreplay reminds me of another USC factoid that’s just the bee’s knees! We’re the only school in the whole wide universe with a Freudian phallic symbol as a mascot! Can’t comprehend? Well, maybe this useless infographic involving mustached women will help!

Go, Cocky, go!

Oh well, I suppose that wraps it all up for us until next time, when corporate sponsors will not have purchased all of the allotted air-time!

No Jimmy, God bless us all except for you. Animals don’t have souls!

Ha-ha! Good night!

----End transmission----