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transfinite joy |
Rob's Guide to Cheap Cookies
In the tradition of "For Dummies" books, TFJ introduces the Rob's Guides.
(inspiration: our friend Rob won't buy cookies over $1 a pack because he's cheap, so we wrote this guide in this spirit)
this part is written by lrramsey
If it tastes good or you see it one television - don't buy it; it's overpriced. Instead, devolve your taste buds and embrace the wonderful world of cheap cookies.
We begin our analysis with:
Alpha: Invocation to IGA --- O Ye Bastion of Cheapness! Guard us Now from Wasting unto the Meadows of Fond monies our Reserves of Monetary Worth! Definitional: IGA cookies are commonly found in only one of three varities.
A. Small Board-Like Plates with Minute Holes that Resemble Granular Cardboard (often presented with a pool of honey) -- do not confuse these with Swiss Cheese, Swiss cheese is of worth and these are not. Fundamentals are important.
B. Brown things: Two kinds -> gingered species; sugared species; cannot interbreed; suspected to be an example of punctuated equil. Birds will not eat them; do not be discouraged; organic material often finds unique places to hide, in this case -> a shell of seemingly horrific pseudo-rock-like-object of the bowels of the earth.
C. White things: similar to brown, only these are often white, if they are brown they are not white... white indicates that the dark hand of flavouring has cast its dismal shadow over these fond orefices of seemingly inorganic, yet pleasantly organic articles of mostly-useless ration/junk/stuff/whatever.
Beta: Invocation to Wal-Mart. Oh ye peoples of the GSSM? Wilst thou wander far and meet this muse of savings that is wal-mart upon the fond fields of disaster... ? remember thou this -> far, far is this place from the land of your beginning, the land that your parents left you at in their grief or in their joy... Oh, be not weak for your packages of wealth will weigh thee down, causing abasement infinite as you commune with the earth, unable to return to the land of GSSM.
I have gazed upon the road long and seen the cars in their violence blazing as the ignite their hydrocarbons joyously... but anyway... err.... Cookies are walmart are BAD, therefore they are worthy of your attention. RIDE YOUR FINEST STEED UNTO THIS MEAD OF CHEAPNESS LEST YE FALTER.... OR SOMETHING... i'M GOING TO BED... GOODNIGHT? NEVER MIND... ERRR...
(continued by a different ghost-writer, cogarriott)
Abstract:
An effective analysis of the C-Type Eckerd's flour and chocolate treat (hereon referred to as "cookie") is the primary goal of this experiment. Using taste metrics such as Simon's Impurity Metic is the most accurate determina- FOUL DEMON WHAT DOSAG THOU DOEST HEREST PLABLAH BLAH BLAH DIE -tion of "cookie" viability. The most accurate scale for cookies is the efficiency/taste ratio. This ratio is defined as the change in subjective taste over the change in price. As price is always more important, the ratio will increase much higher as price lowers. As price effects taste according to an inverse square ratio, we hypothesize that we will find that the best "cookies" are low-price, low-fat (and low-taste) "cookies."
Methods:
We bought some cookies and fed them to Rob. He nodded if he liked them and shook his head if he did not. Then we told him the price, and if he would pay for them he nodded, and if he would not he shook his head.
Results:
Those cookies in the subset of Eckerds rated most highly for Rob.
Discussion:
The creation of the Rob-taste algorithim has shown that results are highly dependent on price a priori -- for instance, once informed of their price, cookies that Rob has first said he liked suddenly became less palatible. It seems that lower price somehow makes Rob like the cookies more. Further study is needed.
RobComm Ltd.