I have a huge piece of advice to you, GSSM graduating senior class of
2000: wear deodorant. It is scientifically proven that people will not take you
seriously if you smell bad. If you do not wear deodorant, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
AND SO DO WE. The rest of my advice here will not make you smell better or help
people take you seriously. What I offer to you may be the social equivalent of
rolling on the corpse of a rotting animal. It sure hasn't helped me any. Ever.
But, I'm going to tell it to you anyway because I'm an asshole. Note that this
is a long text, but I'm conceited enough to think you'll be a better person for
reading it all.
.....
Don't be an annoying Christian. No one besides your kind gives a flying fuck
about how they're going to hell and it's gonna hurt and Jesus will laugh at
you... etc, etc. Save it for church.
Don't be an annoying atheist. Christians aren't going to listen to you, and
you're most likely an atheist because a book told you to be that way or you
think it's cool.
Don't be an annoying Satanist. People hate it when their first-born children
wind up missing only to be found later disembowelled on a pentagram made out of
dried goat's blood in the forest.
The truth of the religious matter probably lies somewhere in the middle. I
don't know. Maybe there is a god and Christianity just has it ass-backwards.
Think of the universe as a computer program. It runs on its own with slight
intervention from the programmer, but the functions of the program are unable to
interact with the programmer. Programs never deal with what made them. If there
IS some god that always wants you to pay attention to him and listen to all his
damned stories (read: the Bible, sunday school, church, the list goes on...),
then he's a cocky bastard and I, for one, want nothing to do with him.
If someone makes you mad once, let it go. If they do it again, kill them. Do
it in front of people who've made you made on another occasion if possible.
Hopefully, they'll catch on for future reference.
Something is alive if it has the ability to procreate AND improve its
offspring. A machine made to make more machines is not alive, but if its AI
allows it to understand aspects of itself and thereby improve them, it's just as
alive as you or me. More alive than some of us, probably. Don't just live. Live
to live better, otherwise you're as dead as the Macarena. Oh my god, I've turned
into a Nike commercial.
Date me. I repeat: date me. Goddamn, I'm hot. I'm smart. I'm fun. I have MY
OWN FLY RIDE. Everyone in the world should date me at least once (and probably
no more, according to Shan Wu). I'm a mind-opening experience, much like LSD or
the incomprehensibly deep movie, Starship Troopers.
Read good fiction. Don't read the shit you can buy at Wal-Mart. Your mind is
gonna stay shut forever unless you march down to Intermezzo in Five Points and
buy something with a fucked-up cover by someone you've never, ever heard of.
Watch good movies, too. A good rule of thumb is that if it stars anyone
who's ever had a sitcom ever, it will make you dumber than you were before you
watched it. Rent from the "Cult Classics" section at Hollywood Movies in
Columbia.
On second thought, don't go to Wal-Mart, period. Wal-Mart is way too
mainstream. The entirity of a big, boring society hangs out at Wal-Mart. Buy
your things from small mom & pop stores if you can. Not only is it often
cheaper, but it supports your community and you get to meet cooler people.
Never live in the mainstream. Doing that just makes you a part of the Borg
collective (if you didn't get that, ask Bobby the Body Flawless). If the
majority of people are doing something, do the complete opposite. It'll make you
think, because change requires creativity. Creativity is the plasma part of
lifeblood.
Always keep a little hunger in your belly. Never fill up completely at the
table, because you never know when you'll find a piece of cake on the sidewalk.
Mmmmm... cake....
Love. Before, I kind of suggested that you love me. You don't have to. Just
love someone. Pick one person who'll probably return the favor and shower them
in love. You may look stupid. It may be worth it. The reason that almost
everyone in the world is unhappy is because they're afraid to love. They hold
back because they're stupid dumbfucks who think that love is weak. They see
people depending on other people and they think its because those folks are
mentally inferior. Well, I'm going to reveal one of life's best kept secrets to
you: PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO RELY ON OTHERS ARE TRULY THE WEAKEST OF ALL. By not
taking the risk of putting a small part of themselves in someone else's hands,
they're basically proving that they are the asthmatic little bastards on the
sideline watching the real kids have fun at recess. Fuck those people. Fuck
them. Fuck them. Fuck them. I promise you that they will die unhappy and
unsatisfied and lonely. I may die lonely and unhappy, but I've always got the
satisfaction of knowing that I loved someone for real a few times.
Don't judge people by your standards. Judge them by their own. If a person
tells you that they it is a morally wrong to do something and then they do it,
they are stupid. Avoid them. They are likely to make you kill them, and a murder
rap does not look good on a college app. In the end, we are all our own personal
judges. Kick back at the end of the day and ask yourself if you adhered to your
own personal honor code. For a fun and interesting experience, judge admin by
the honor code that they've personally assigned for GSSM. Do they hold up? If
not, put it in print.
There's no sex in the common room, no sex in the common room... Chris Rock
is from SC; did you know that? There's hope for us all still.
Visit the Portal of Evil. Laugh
at the misfortune and stupidity of others. You'll fuck up, too, someday (believe
it or not, you self-righteous pricks), and giggling at others will get you ready
to giggle at yourself.
Visit my site. It
may make you appreciate some of life's finer things, such as poetry or DOGS
PLAYING POOL!!!!!!!!!
And finally... don't get a stupid look on your face when you get your
diploma. They take a picture of it and your parents get it. I ended up looking
like quite the fucking buffoon, and now I see it nearly everyday when I'm at
home. It makes my hands itch for the razor blade....
Mitch
Frye is sick of being referenced to
monkeys.
A
Speech By: Mitch
Frye