This USC Report is dedicated to the loving memory of Josh Yon. We shall welcome you with warm greetings and open arms in front of the pearly gates of USC at your journey’s end <enter Puff Daddy’s "I’ll Be Missing You" or some shit like that.>.
The USC Report’s Special
"So You’re Coming To USC" Edition
OR
Too Much Junkie Business
Well, well, well… so you’re coming to USC. Congratulations! Hard work and determination have brought you to this epic turning point in your life, and I’m proud to say that the next step is one hell of a drop! There are a few things you should know first. Everyone knows that the official campus bookstore is out to put a bag over your head and beat the money out of you like a fucking pinata; this info is the super-secret stuff that most people don’t discover until at least their second week of a raging smack addiction!
Puke is chic.
That’s right. Chicks dig guys who can fucking hurl for distance. Guys dig chicks who are unabashed to let it go right in front of them. Puke is all the rage on the USC campus- it’s what everyone’s wearing.
When at any party, you will always wind up talking to another damned Govie about stupid G-School shit.
Yep. Hope you’ve got some good stories, because this will take up a healthy chunk of your weekends. I swear to god that this happens at every party I go to, and believe me, inside jokes are not the chick-magnets they used to be. Surprisingly enough, they actually alienate non-Govies! Who’d a thunk it? By the way, if you are at a USC party where you are the only ex-Govie present, you are not really at a party- you are in bed and dreaming about being at a party.
No one really hangs out at the Russell House.
Nope; they’ve got a game room and a lounge and shit like that, but I’ve never seen anyone I know in there and I’m pretty sure that the ones in there are robotic mannequins. Just get your food there and move on. Hell, I’m not even sure if "Russell" has one "l" or two.
There is good pizza at the Village Idiot in Five Points.
The one place in the world where you can get a slice of feta cheese and onions. Just don’t ask for anything fried after five in the afternoon. They fucking hide that deep fryer thingy.
There is a one-legged bum in Five Points that may offer to drive you to an area where you will be able to obtain some marijuana. Do not take him up on that.
The leg he is missing is his right one which makes automobile operation tricky to say the least. I am not making that up.
Become some kind of arts or communications or business major. Don’t fuck with science and it won’t fuck back.
C’est vrai.
Mail to: penguinboy_jimmy@zombieworld.com
Hey, what’s the coolest name for a punk/New York Dolls-y glam band with heavy blues incorporation?
I’m leaning towards the Blackfaces because it mixes the idea of white guys playing the blues with make-up (hence a relation to glam).
And none of that witty shit with people writing and saying "Your idea; huhuhuh."