In a daring move, CEO Rob Mitchell of RobComm, Ltd. has sold Chile to the highest bidder.  Paying no heed to the cries of “What do you think you’re doing, Chile isn’t for sale!!” from the natives, CEO Mitchell and Microsoft CEO Bill Gates shook hands over the deal earlier this afternoon.  A large rock glanced off of Gates’ head as he proclaimed the new name of the country: Bill Gate’s Land.  He plans to develop it into the worlds’ largest theme park.  The multibillion-dollar sale was enough to put confidence back in investors, as RobComm stock soared to new highs.

Chinese business negotiations also came to a close today, with RobComm declaring a “monopoly on all commerce” within the country.  Chinese authorities and citizens welcomed the corporation dominance with open arms.  Said one on condition of anonymity, “It’s nice to have someone else do the work.  In fact, many of my colleagues are considering handing CEO Mitchell the position of Premier.  Don’t quote me on that.”

Mitchell also yielded to pay raise increases today, jacking the average RobComm worker hourly paycheck to nearly fifty cents.  He also founded the RobComm Citizens’ Brigade, a corporate-sponsored union to monitor worker abuse within the company.  Rival Corey Garriott, CEO of CoreySoft, was left standing in the dust as workers flocked to the RCB.  “It’s just so cool,” said one mail clerk.  “I’m a ‘RobComm Citizen’ now!” 

“ ‘RobComm Citizens’ are entitled to one free share of RobComm stock, and thus a say in the company policy,” remarked CEO Mitchell, reclining in his silk-padded RobChair.  “It’s just my own way of helping out the little people.”  When asked about the recent defection of his top aides, Mitchell only chuckled.  “They’re not aides, they’re secret building inspectors.  I think CEO Garriott will be pleasantly surprised.”  Indeed, the CoreySoft HQ was found to be structurally unsafe and was condemned later that afternoon. 

Also in recent news, the chunk of the Earth’s crust that has been in high orbit since Friday was determined by astronomers to be a sizeable part of North Korea.  Other smaller pieces have also been discovered in lower orbitals.  “This explains the recent tremors in East Asia,” said one lead scientist.  ‘We were wondering what the cause of those sudden earthquakes was.”  Investigators at the UN were similarly shocked.  When asked why no one had noticed that North Korea was missing, they only responded that no one ever pays any attention to North Korea anymore, since all they do is denounce things as rogue states.  The list encompassed the United States, Russia, Paraguay, St. Kitts and Nevis, the Beatles, the Maltese flag, and a pair of old tennis shoes before their final (and fatal) denunciation.

next-->