The English Report 4

(:title The English Report 4:)

***CHEERS FROM ENGLAND***

COMING AT YOU FROM ACROSS THE POND

IT’S THE ENGLISH REPORT TIMES FOUR

YES YES,

Check it out. Not only do I finally have some conclusions regarding that unknown quality Englishness, but this issue is special because it has pictures!

Exclaimation POINT!

The first picture is of an actual English female. “Tomette” we’ll call her. Tomette is a member of the fauna here who I have noticed keeps up with la mode.

• If you are a girl and want to come here, please first acquire:

1. A shortish skirt, stiped stockings and suede boots
2. Many more boots. Boots with heels count double.
3. A scarf with shiny, shimmery…ness on it, to knot around your neck and wear with your shoulders-to-knees black knit overcoat and funky hat.
4. Many pointy-high high heels. You’ll be wearing these when you aren’t wearing boots. No, you aren’t allowed to wear normal shoes, this is England, we’re trying to be more fashionable than the French and the Italians.

Regard the picture for an example of number 1, which is scarily typical. I see those stockings, shoes and skirts walking around everywhere. Tomette assured me that only suede will do. Given that U.S. fashions lag European ones by about three years, and apparently this has been going on for a while, I’d expect to start seeing this thing in our cities… in a few minutes. So getoutcha suede.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you the English dress poorly. In fact, they dress more extravagantly than the more conservative French. This means they often overdress, especially 1) the youth and 2) the female. But that’s OK. It can be, shall we say, revealing.

Oh, only the English.

• As for guys…

…they get aggressive, masculine haircuts like in the one attached. This guy, his middle name is “Hot,” and just walked into a salon, cooly told the lady to ‘cut it English,’ and 21 hot pounds later became Cambridge’s hottest male hot bachelor hot. Hot hot!

• Hot!

The styles here are even too hot for the French. The French girl who lives near me finds English fashion disturbing. One Saturday, she and I sat outside a club, smoking cigarettes and looking disdainful of the miniskirted clubbers going in and out of a party. Yeah, the French really do this. But this is the English Report, not the French Report.

Speaking of the English:

• English people only play it one way: by the rules

The first thing Tomette told me about the skirt/stockings/boots fashion was that the stockings had to be striped, the boots had to be suede. This adherence to precise rules typifies English culture. Bicycle riders observe red lights and don’t ride at the walk signals. People walk the right way down the sidewalks on one-way streets. You will get reprimanded by passers-by if you park too far off the road. They eat a certain way (fork upside down… it’s hard to explain.) and they drink a certain way (never the whole glass of wine). They’re upright here. Perhaps uptight too.

Whenever I ride my bike down one-way streets I get dirty looks. (Other people my age do it too, but I think the locals can tell I’m foreign.) Once an old lady stopped, looked at me in the face, and said in her high-pitched Queen Mum voice: “One way street!” A motorcyclist was trying to park in front of a store, just to go in real quick, and a guy in a car pulled over and gave him a talking to. Amazing!

The English enforce their implicit rules so well that it explains why common law evolved on the island. England does not want of a constitution. The sheer power of taboo protects the social order.

• But why?

What needs further explanation, however, is why they bother so much about the rules. Where does all this negative social energy come from? An article about the English, I Hate England, which naturally was written by a Scot, postulates that the English don’t care as much about fairness as they do unfairness. An Englishman makes a great referee, even against himself, because he can’t stand the thought of someone getting an unequal advantage.

Where does this manifest itself the most? You guessed it. Cricket.

When I arrived in England, the cricket world series (called Ashes) was just finishing up its final game, with England against Australia. Naturally every pub in town was abuzz, full of cricket aficionados watching the game crawl to its finish (it takes 5 days to play a match…) A week ago I asked a professor why the game interested him so, since by all appearances it is one of the dullest pursuits imaginable, and he explained that cricket does not excite the blood so much as it demonstrates noble sportsmanship. The Australian bowler, he said, is known for congratulating his opponents for a game well-played, and always walks off the field with new friends. It pleases the English to see each player perform his duty as part of the team — apparently cricket is somewhat scripted and is not won so much through *athleticism* but through *sportmanship*.

I know this sounds too bizarre to be true, but it appears the English really design games to reward an unswerving decorum rather than being able to run fast or throw far. And they really do enjoy watching because they *enjoy seeing people follow the rules*. Only an Englishman can say it and mean it: “It’s not whether you win but whether you played the game well that counts.”

See, for the rest of the world, which team wins the game is very important indeed, and in fact, it is the winning and losing that forms the grand drama of sports. Not so for the English, sipping tea as they call out “good show!” to the players.

Well, that’s enough for this week. Send love,

C.O. G----, or so my mailbox calls me