English Report 5: Anglodynamics

HALLO FROM THE ANGLO TERRA
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AND NOW FOR OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
THE LAWS OF ANGLODYNAMICS\\

Send love,\\

HALLO FROM THE ANGLO TERRA

(:title English Report 5: Anglodynamics:)

• HALLO FROM THE ANGLO TERRA ***

IT IS THE ENGLISH REPORT, DUTIFULLY COMPOSED IN ITS FIFTH EDITION

Greetings from the backs of the Cam, ye who live elsewhere. This issue features a special theme. Since after all Cambridge is a centre of science, I have presented to you a sneak preview of my research project. That’s right. I have discovered the laws of Anglodynamics.

Anglodynamics is a branch of sociophysics that deals with the behaviour of the English over time. As such it studies enertea and lass.

AND NOW FOR OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION THE LAWS OF ANGLODYNAMICS ALSO KNOWN AS: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

• The first law of Anglodynamics:

The average amount of personal space in the Anglosphere is constant; that is, personal space is neither created nor destroyed. This is sometimes known as the law of conservation of body bubble. Any decrease in personal space in one part of England (say, through childbirth) will be met by an equal, equilibrating increase in the amount of space somewhere else (i.e. through the expatriation of the nouveau riche to southern France, which everyone agrees is a suitable and hilarious solution).

The first law can be observed in any hallway by crossing from one side of it to the other. Just like a fluid gas expands to fill its container in an even distribution, the English before you will part and others will fill in the space you leave, in order to maintain their allotment of exactly 4 centimetres per person.

Corollary: “Skewsmi” is the most often muttered word in their language.

• The second law of Anglodynamics:

In any localized system of Anglos in the Anglosphere, assuming nobody enters or leaves the system, the system tends toward queue. This is commonly known as “queuetropy” and is most evident at bus stops. Even if the bus will not arrive for 10 minutes yet.

Second corollary: They think it is funny if you refer to such a structure as a ‘line’, which is different and therefore wrong since it is actually the word ‘queue’ that is amusing.

• The third law of Anglodynamics:

The relationship between an Englishwoman’s mass ‘M’, the amount of skin you can see ‘S’, and her proximity to a nightclub ‘P’ is M = PS. This is related to the law of inertia, which can be stated thusly: “God. No. Oh my God.”

• The fourth law of Anglodynamics:

For every deviation from tacit social custom there is an equal but opposite public kvetching. It is theorized that this is a direct result of the first law. A gas heats up if you trap it in a small container.

Thoughts not yet incorporated into the theory:

• The meter maids here work on commission:

They are paid per violation, so they walk around with cameras and take pictures of cars so they can *prove* somebody parked in the wrong spot.

• There are no hummingbirds in England.

You heard it here first. And you’ll probably hear it second from Wikipedia. I will go ahead and link you: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hummingbird#Location

• They ticket bicyclists

A policewoman pulled *my bike* over and ticketed me for not having obligatory lights on my bike. Can a bike even be pulled over? Ontologically speaking I’m not sure that’s an action bikes can perform.

Send love, C. to the O. to the g-i ott