This an elaborate joke that came to me in the public bath this afternoon. No offense meant, of course:
What To Do If You Think You Might Be In Japan.
These days, it seems like more and more people are ending up in what the Oxford English Dictionary defines as, “the Insular Empire so-called, on the East of Asia.” In other words, Japan. The Japanese economy is picking up again after limping through the 90′s, and the number of foreign residents continues to increase. With these startling trends in mind, an increasing number of people are worried that they too might be in Japan.
FIRST! If you, or someone you know, is worried they might be in Japan: Don’t panic!
Remember that the Japanese bring in thousands of foreigners each year to “teach English,” yet almost no Japanese people speak English. Clearly the “teachers” aren’t brought in to teach English, but because the Japanese like seeing Westerners freak out. Don’t give them what they want! Panicking is exactly what the Japanese want you to do, so be on your guard. So, whatever you do, pretend like you understand how to pay your water bill or how to sort your recyclables. If you don’t, then the Japanese have already won.
NEXT! Follow these 15 simple steps to determine definitively if you are or are not in Japan. If you aren’t in Japan, don’t let your guard down yet! You may not be in Japan now, but if you aren’t careful you may find yourself in Japan soon. Watching animé, reading haiku, studying martial arts, even seeing popular movies like Lost in Translation, all can lead to being in Japan!!! Even doing things as innocent as reading weblogs may result in your being in Japan. Be on your guard at all times! If you find that you are in Japan, please proceed to the end for more detailed instructions.
Signs that you may be in Japan:
- Look around you. Do you see train stations, bus stations, or other signs of mass transit? Don’t panic yet, but you may be in Japan. It is also possible that you are in New Jersey. Remain calm and continue looking for other signs that you are in Japan.
- Are there funny characters on all the shops signs and billboards? Again, you may be in Japan. It is also that you are in “Chinatown.” Please, don’t panic until you get further confirmation.
- Walk to your nearest convenience store. If you can walk to the store, instead of driving, this is a sign that you may be in Japan. Look at the name of store. Is it “Circle K,” “Sunkus,” “7–11,” “A.M., P.M.,” “Family Mart,” “Lawson’s,” or some other combination of English words? If so, this may be a sign that you are in Japan. Walk into the store. Is an Asian behind the counter? If the Asian is Indian or Korea, good news! You are in America! If the Asian looks Japanese, you may be in Japan.
- Return to your apartment. Look around you apartment. Is your apartment a relatively small one or two room apartment? This is a sign that you may be in Japan, but it’s possible that you just have a cheap apartment. Are you paying a lot for your apartment? And do you think you’re getting a “pretty good deal?” If so, you may be in Japan.
- Check your kitchen appliances. Do you have a rice cooker? This may be a sign that you’re in Japan. It’s also possible that you’re a hippy. Check your fridge. Is there tofu in your fridge? Again, you may be a hippy, or you may be in Japan. Check your garbage. Is it sorted into different categories of recyclables? Once again, hippy or Japan are the two most likely possibilities. Look at your discarded soda cans. Are no two alike? Are many of them seasonally affiliated? If so, you may be in Japan.
- Look at your washing machine. Can it hold a full two weeks worth of clothes? One week? A half-week if you cram stuff in? The lower the capacity of your washing machine, the more likely you are to be in Japan. Do you have a dryer? If so, good news! You are in America. Almost all Japanese people die without feeling the warmth of clothes fresh from the dryer. If you hang your clothes a line, it’s possible that you’re just an old person, but if you don’t have back pain while hanging out your laundry, you may be in Japan.
- Go to your local electronics shop. Are there Mini-Disc players? This is a bad sign, but you may just be in a well stocked Best Buy. Look around some more. Are there more Mini-Disc players than MP3 players? This is a troubling sign. Are there more packages of DVD-R’s than CD-R’s? This is another bad sign. Next, look at the stereo section. How cheap is the cheapest model? Is it clearly well designed, shiny, and expensive? Another disturbing signifier. Go to the cellphone section. Do they only have camera phone models? Are those the give away models? Do the better phones have TV tuners? Were you given a packet of tissues with an advertisement on the pack by a sales representative? If so, you may be in Japan.
- Find a church. Can you see another church from this one? If so, good news! You are in the American South. Is there a big red glowing cross over the church? This may be a sign that you are in Japan. Next, find a temple. Did you find it? Don’t panic, yet! you may be in a weird town in California. Go inside the temple. Is there a box full of coins that are worth around 5¢? Is there a pagoda? Are there different things with people’s prayers written on them? Are there old people at this temple? If so, you may be in Japan.
- Go to the seedy side of town. Are you in a vast parking lot for a strip club whose sign proclaims, “Ladies free?” Good news! You are in America. Are you in an alley way where men in suits stand in front of signs with pictures of dozens of different girls? Are the men beckoning you into a multi-story building? Can you see a building that says “Love Hotel” on it? If so, you may be in Japan.
- Go to a Chinese restaurant. Do they have General Tsao’s chicken, sesame chicken, lo mein, chow mein, dim sum, mu goo gai pan, or sweet and sour sauce? Good news! You are in America. Do they just have ramen, gyoza, and niku-man? These signs make it likely that you could be in Japan. Next, find a place to eat curry. Are there tacky, velvet paintings of Hindu gods on the walls? If not, you may be in Japan.
- Go to your local supermarket. Do they have a sushi section? Don’t panic, yet! You may be in a yuppie or seaside town in America. Do they have octopus? Do they not have whole loaves of bread, but only oversized half loaves? What’s the selection of cheese like? Small? How about cereal or antiperspirant-deodorant? Is fruit sold in individually wrapped boxes at high prices? Are they playing jiggles for products in the supermarket on a CD player? A TV? Are you on the bottom floor of a larger department store? All of these are signs of Japanese influence. Try to get someone to bag your groceries. Did they just look at you funny? Failure is a sign that you may be in Japan.
- Go to the parking lot of the supermarket. Is the parking lot a large area around the supermarket? Good news! You are in America. If the bulk of the parking lot is located over top of the supermarket, are there a lot of boxy cars? Would you say that a Honda Civic is one of the heavier cars in the lot? Do you see people backing into parking spots? Each of these is a sign you may be in Japan. Follow a car outside on the street. Does it seem like their driving quickly and dangerously? If so, are they actually driving slowly and dangerously? Are the roads only one or one and half lanes wide? If so, are they taking two way traffic? If you answered yes to these questions, you may be in Japan.
- Go to the bathroom. Is there a toilet or just a porcelain basin on the floor? A toilet is a good sign, but you aren’t out of the woods yet! Sit on the toilet. Is the seat heated? Is there a control panel? Does the control panel have buttons for a built-in bidet or a button that makes flushing noises to cover other noises? If not, this a good sign, but you aren’t free, yet. Look at the handle. Can it be pulled down for a small flush and up for a big flush? If not, there’s only one test left: flush the toilet. If there is a spigot of water coming out the top for you to wash your hands in, you may be in Japan.
- Find a white person. Was it easy to find this person? Good news! You are in America. If not, ask the person what they do. Do they teach English? If so, do they know what a dangling participle is? A gerund? A noun? A sentence? The less they know about English, the more likely it is that you are in Japan. Find a person wearing a kimono. Was it much harder than finding the white person? Are they in a play or dance group? Are they younger than 50 years old? If you answered no to these questions, you may be in Japan.
- Find a black person. Did you fail? If so, you are in Japan.
What to do?
So, does it look like you’re in Japan? If you are in Japan, remember don’t panic and find your nearest consulate or embassy. Once there, renounce your citizenship. Next, take off your shoes. Now, stand in front of an oncoming train. This is the least painful means to remove yourself from The Yellow Menance. Once you follow these simple steps, your body will be cremated and scattered into the ocean.
Congratulations! You have successfully left Japan!
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